Download E-books The Warlizard Chronicles: Adventures with Vodka, Women, & War PDF

By Warlizard

My new fiancée Betty and that i have been sitting at the sofa, staring at the Westminster Kennel membership puppy exhibit whilst she seemed over at me and casually acknowledged, "My first orgasm got here from a dog."

As I sat there surprised, attempting to keep an eye on my reactions and gather myself, I had quick thoughts:

1. Now i do know why my puppy likes her better.
2. I want this have been the worst factor she'd ever advised me.

And so starts off the descent into the loopy unbelievable global of Warlizard, a regular man with an outstanding existence. with out excuses and no apologies, Warlizard lives his lifestyles through one easy rule - "If chance knocks, solution the door." Gulf struggle Veteran, womanizer and serial troublemaker, occasionally he wins, occasionally he loses, yet his tales are outlandish, severe, fast moving and humorous as hell. 

Some genuine reader feedback:

  • "You inform all girls that tale? you have to wash out your mouth!"
  • "I imagine i'll hearken to your tales for hours."
  • "So you owe your marriage to the folk who introduced down the realm exchange center?"
  • "I don't have anything else i will be able to upload or ask, other than extra STORIES."
  • "Holy s**t. I want i used to be you."
  • "Man, you are an concept, heavily. F*** Tucker Max, you are the genuine s**t. i am absolute to take into accout your tales every time there is a option to perform a little loopy s**t. I used to claim i would do it for the lulz, now i am gonna do it like WarLizard."
  • "You slept with one other man's spouse after which lied to him approximately it, and will say with a instantly face it was once definitely the right factor to do?"
  • "Godda***t, I spewed out laughter too loud at paintings, now i need to depart simply because we all know i am not doing s**t. F*** this is often hilarious, and disconcerting, on the similar time."
  • "He is the main attention-grabbing guy within the world."
  • "I believe like a failure examining those tales, they are awesome."
  • "Your existence adventure makes me consider stable. You reliable sir are a little bit of a brand new idol of mine. not anything a lot you are able to do approximately that.  Have an excellent day sir."
  • "Warlizard does not continuously drink beer, but if he does, he prefers Dos Equis."
  • "I simply cannot wrap my brain round the undeniable fact that not just a narrative like this exists yet Reddit standard will be residing it. And it kinda has this enthusiastic 'and then it happened...' moments in it that kinda sort like you'll write fiction at the go."
  • "This man is both the main inventive guy on the planet or the main attention-grabbing guy on the planet. both way..."

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This used to be a couple of months after the Oklahoma urban bombing and a military blood brother of mine used to be just a little wounded in it so i used to be greater than stunned that a few fucking hippie stoner had C-4. I didn’t say something for a section, then casually stated that even if I didn’t desire any, i'll ask round. He left with a stick of butter and that i bought out the telephone publication. First quantity — FBI. Answering computer. 2d quantity — ATF. Answering desktop. good fuck me. It used to be the weekend and everybody had long gone domestic, I guessed. on the time i used to be operating in a bit computing device shop and one in all our clients used to be a neighborhood police Detective, so the following day I referred to as him and informed him what had occurred. He instructed me he’d get me involved with the fitting humans and tomorrow I received a choice from S. L. E. D. , the nation legislations Enforcement department. regrettably, Spencer used to be at my apartment on the time, so I replied vaguely they usually gave me a host to name again. I instructed Spencer that i used to be going to a gun express that weekend and i deliberate on speaking to the fellows there, when you consider that they have been beautiful hardcore and that i was once convinced anyone would need it. He bolted and that i known as SLED again. We organize a time to fulfill and that i headed out, choked with satisfaction in my civic responsibility. What a fucking dumbass. I met with the SLED man and informed him what had long gone down. They grilled me for roughly an hour and that i advised them each aspect i may contemplate, then they requested me if i might be keen to put on a twine and get this man off the road. HELL YEAH i might! How cool could that be? i used to be so enthusiastic that they ultimately pointed out they knew this man and that he had a conviction for armed theft. At this element, I must have identified they weren’t enjoying me immediately. They waited until eventually I had already acknowledged I’d do it to inform me a really very important a part of the tale, that this man was once harmful. Oh, I wasn’t apprehensive in any respect. i used to be a wrestle vet and a few fucking hippie didn’t scare me. So I referred to as up my mom and dad and informed them what i used to be doing, how i used to be going to put on a twine and bust a foul man. They have been so proud, how amazing i used to be to step up, and so forth, and so on, blah blah blah. a couple of days later, I talked to Spencer back and organize the purchase. I informed him I had met a backwoods survivalist on the gun exhibit who used to be all into computing device weapons and shit and he desired to purchase either bricks. Yeah, the silly motherfucker had bricks. when you don’t understand, one brick a section higher than a deck of playing cards will obliterate a motor vehicle. We set the fee at $1000 and the purchase for the subsequent night at my apartment. subsequent day dawns and that i used to be buzzing like an engine at ten thousand RPM. i used to be a “Confidential Informant” who was once taking down a foul man. Oh, or even getting paid! My detective blood brother had advised me that the SLED men may compensate me and i could in addition make a couple of hundred off the deal. I resisted at the start, due to the fact i wished my factors unquestioned, yet I had a number of parking tickets that my earlier roommate had racked up and that i wanted the cash, so I swallowed my satisfaction and talked to the SLED agent. I acknowledged I wasn’t searching for cash yet that i needed my parking tickets to depart.

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